Hello Friends,
The purpose of today’s poem is not to make you feel bad if you have ever misgendered someone. But this piece is about sharing what it feels like — the exhaustion, the burden — to be a person who is misgendered, particularly when it happens 34 times a day.
<3 Ellen (they/them)
The purpose of today’s poem is not to make you feel bad if you have ever misgendered someone. But this piece is about sharing what it feels like — the exhaustion, the burden — to be a person who is misgendered, particularly when it happens 34 times a day.
<3 Ellen (they/them)
The Formula for Forgiveness
If I am she 34 times in a day
And I am only he twice
What is the difference between me and her?
How do we add up?
If 34 times in a day
Multiplies by 2
Each time a she
Takes me by the neck
What is the product of my identity?
For every:
Old habits die hard
We’ll get there
It’s going to take everyone some time
That’s not what I meant
It’ll take some getting used to
You have to be a little more understanding
Just be patient with us
It’s hard to remember
For every:
Hey, just a reminder my pronouns are he/him
Hi, can someone chat her to let her know what my pronouns are?
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would use my pronouns
Just a reminder my pronouns are he/him
You didn’t use my pronouns at all today
For every:
I mean he
I’m sorry, I meant he
His pronouns are he/him
You mean he
His, not hers
Remember he
It’s he/him
That has not been said
On my behalf
From my family
And friends
For every:
She — with no follow-up
With no correction
With no apology
Just she
Just this bomb
Just the salt into the wound I’ve learned how to disguise
Into a chuckle
Into a smile
Into
I forgive you
Once again
I forgive you all
Once again
I will solve this problem for you all
Once again
Don’t worry about the math
Once again
I will solve this on my own
Once again.
■
If I am she 34 times in a day
And I am only he twice
What is the difference between me and her?
How do we add up?
If 34 times in a day
Multiplies by 2
Each time a she
Takes me by the neck
What is the product of my identity?
For every:
Old habits die hard
We’ll get there
It’s going to take everyone some time
That’s not what I meant
It’ll take some getting used to
You have to be a little more understanding
Just be patient with us
It’s hard to remember
For every:
Hey, just a reminder my pronouns are he/him
Hi, can someone chat her to let her know what my pronouns are?
Hello, I would appreciate it if you would use my pronouns
Just a reminder my pronouns are he/him
You didn’t use my pronouns at all today
For every:
I mean he
I’m sorry, I meant he
His pronouns are he/him
You mean he
His, not hers
Remember he
It’s he/him
That has not been said
On my behalf
From my family
And friends
For every:
She — with no follow-up
With no correction
With no apology
Just she
Just this bomb
Just the salt into the wound I’ve learned how to disguise
Into a chuckle
Into a smile
Into
I forgive you
Once again
I forgive you all
Once again
I will solve this problem for you all
Once again
Don’t worry about the math
Once again
I will solve this on my own
Once again.
■
“The Formula for Forgiveness” appears in poet Jae Escoto’s 2019 collection The Woman Inside of Me. You can also listen to Jae Escoto read this piece aloud in Split This Rock’s poetry database, The Quarry.